Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Vomit

8/16/2017

My Story
I Pray it Helps You Get to a Happy Ending to Your's!

Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Vomit

As I look into the swirling pool of toilet water, I see a reflection of a very scared and angry “little girl.” I stare at it for a moment horrified at the reflection staring back at me. I can see the outline of curly hair through a bowlful of ingested tuna fish and diet Coke.

I momentarily forget reality and visualize beyond the reflection…

…to a world of peace, not pain;

…happiness, not sorrow;

...How wonderful it all seems on the other side…

Physical pain and emotional heartache force tears out of my blood-shot eyes. The pain-filled water drops flow from my flushed cheeks to the toilet. Each tear mixes with vomit to drown out and destroy my dream…the dream of a healthy, happy, mature woman…who weighs less! The more I remind myself that I need to weigh less the farther I shove the spoon down my throat.

It is becoming harder and harder to induce. Obviously I have over-abused my gag reflexes. Breathless, I flush the toilet and lean back on my knees. Sobbing uncontrollably, I manage to whisper, “Oh God, oh God…When will this hell end?” I have no energy to talk.

Hot flashes take over my red, blotchy body. My weak, achy body cries out to me with the very last ounce of energy it has, pleading with me to stop! My rational mind whines like a baby, “I’m TIRED!”

Suddenly I am FORCED, as if by some unexplained, invisible “force,” to induce vomiting again, for I fear that not everything came up before. This time I gag on the inducing instrument. The spoon gets lodged in my throat. My heart pounds as I pull the handle with both hands with all my strength.

Most “normal” people would be so panic-stricken when the saw the blood pouring out of their mouth as the spoon was yanked from their esophagus, that they would vow to never again engage in such “suicidal” behavior again; but, I, being an expert at this all too familiar ritual, could care less! Besides, nothing could compare to the drama in the McDonald’s restroom.

Although I was only eating a healthy, low-calorie salad, I still needed to get “rid of it.” Not wanting to vomit all over my hands in a public place, I asked for a spoon, thinking that would be a neater, cleaner way to throw up.

A McDonald’s spoon is a very flimsy, plastic spoon that was obviously not made for the purpose I used it for. As I started to shove the spoon down my throat it got lodged, and would not come out. I panicked and pulled so hard that I broke the handle. The spoon part was stuck deep in my throat and I just KNEW I was going to die. I tried to grasp it with my fingers, but I was just pushing it farther down. The ONLY explanation I have is that God must have reached down an invisible, helping hand, because it, all of a sudden, miraculously came out followed by a stream of blood.

I froze, for what seemed to be an eternal moment, not knowing what to do. All I could do was just kneel at the toilet of a public restroom, watching the blood flow out, half hoping I would bleed to death.

I did not die at that time, but I am dying a slow, deliberate death. I am slowing and deliberately killing myself.

Back to my bathroom where I am vomiting tuna and diet Coke…“Everything has got to be up,” I thought as I looked at my watch. “I’ve been throwing up for an hour!”

After taking a moment to breathe I try to move, but even the slightest movement makes me so nauseated I think I am going to vomit up my intestines. Kneeling there on the bathroom floor, I decide to force myself to face reality.

Reality is my life is contained in this cubical that we humans call a “bathroom.” My cubical is not used solely as a means of excreting body waste. Mine is used as an escape…an escape from fear, pain, abuse, heartache, trauma, rape, life…I run and hide from all these things. This “cubical” is a filthy, disgusting representation of my existence. The sights, sounds, and smells it contains are so disgusting, yet familiar and even slightly comforting.

Running water, on full-blast so no one can hear my heaves, washes away excess vomit, which I rinse off of my spoon after each successful heave. Disgusting!

My eyes wander around the dark, “suicide” room. There is vomit everywhere I look! There was vomit on the floor, as well as the walls, and obviously all over the toilet and sink!

I try to stand, but incredible stomach pain makes it physically impossible. So, I am forced to sit here in my cubical, slowly, but deliberately, killing myself, and breathing the stale air of vomited tuna…with my only company being my own blood, sweat, tears, and vomit.

My Story - My Life was Spared...
but My Roommate Died
I Want YOU to LIVE

Close to Death

I know, from my own experiences, how horrible anorexia and bulimia are! They almost killed me!

I also know how great recovery is! Recovery has allowed me to finally live the life I was meant to live!

To make my long story short...From what I read in some notes, from a hospitalization for my anorexia, there was a concern that I may not live.

Recovery - Mine and Your's

There are many, many factors that have influenced my recovery, just as there were many, many factors that influenced the development of my eating disorder.

Among the more important factors that have helped me to recover are: my faith and trust in Jesus, the prayers, love, and support of family, friends, and medical staff, my many hospitalizations, my therapist, and just knowing deep, deep down inside that there is more to life than killing myself by not eating!

It was a very long and difficult journey, with many ups and downs...but here I am ... many years later ... KNOWING that there IS MORE to life than anorexia and bulimia!

The road to recovery has many ups and downs, so keep at it! You can do it! YOU are DESTINED to RISE ABOVE anorexia and bulimia!

Along with my urging for the proper and completely necessary medical intervention,
I have also listed some helpful and encouraging spiritual steps to take to being HEALTHY:

Ask God for help.

Surrender your life to God, through a personal relationship with Jesus, by asking Jesus to be the Savior and Lord of your life:

Tell God (outloud):

"Dear God,
Thank You for Your Son, Jesus! I am sorry for my sins (the wrong things I have done). I believe that Jesus died on the cross as the punishment for my sins. I believe that You raised Jesus from the dead! Jesus, please come into my life to be my Savior! I surrender my life to You as my Lord. Jesus is Lord! God, help! Thank You, Jesus, for bringing true life into my heart and help into my life!
Amen."

Additional Steps to Being HEALTHY

Additional steps to being HEALTHY:

H - Have Holy Help
-God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

E - Eliminate fear and control
-God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, love, and a sound mind (discipline). (2 Timothy 1:7)

A - Away with anxiety
-Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

L - Love and Let the Lord give Life
-We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love.
(1 John 4:16a)

-I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10b)

-I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done. (Psalm 118:17)

T - Trust in The Lord
-Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make
your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

H - Have Hope in the Healer
-Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You
are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long. (Psalm 25:5)

-Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; Save me and I will be saved, For You are my praise. (Jeremiah 17:14)

Y - You can do it
-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

-In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

Interview Questions with My Answers

(1.) At what age did you first start engaging in eating disordered behavior?

(My Answer) My eating habits first changed when I was about 12 years old, and I started engaging in classic eating disordered behavior a few years after that.

(2.) What factors influenced your development of an eating disorder?

(My Answer) Although I was at an average and healthy weight, I thought if I lost weight, it would make me more popular. I LOVED to dance, but my eating disordered mindset became worse when I became a competitive dancer. Then, when I became a victim of sexual abuse, I plunged even deeper into my eating disorder in order to try to cope with the sexual abuse.

(3.) What scared you about having an eating disorder?

(My Answer) My hospital doctor threatening to take me to court to legally "force" me to receive feeding tubes so I wouldn't starve to death, finding out that a former hospital roommate died from her eating disorder, feeling like I was being controlled by some "unexplainable, invisible force," the frightening intensity of the self-hatred and rage I felt toward myself and my eating disorder, gagging on my “vomit-inducing instrument,” getting it lodged deep in my throat, and not being able to get it out, watching blood spew out of my mouth and into the toilet, my addiction to taking 60-100 laxatives at one time, my merciless addiction to exercise

(4.) How did your eating disorder negatively affect your life?

(My Answer) It almost took my life. It did not kill my body, but it killed who I was inside. I lost myself…my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my passions, my destiny, my freedom…in the prison of anorexia and bulimia. It destroyed one of my life-long dreams. I was pulled out of college, driven home, and put into the hospital. I never did receive my degree in Elementary Education.

(5.) Recovery is a process. Where are you in your recovery process?

(My Answer) Anorexia and bulimia no longer control me! With God’s help, I have been able to victoriously overcome eating disordered behavior and maintain a healthy weight for many years. Truthfully, I still struggle a little: I still have a fear and strong hatred of eating in front of people; I have to intentionally limit exercise because I could very easily slip back into a controlling exercise addiction; and I still struggle to remind myself that I am loved for who I am in God and not for how much I weigh. Although I still struggle, I am FREE from their control!

(6.) What factors influenced where you are in your recovery?

(My Answer) My faith and trust in Jesus, the prayers, love, and support of family, friends, and medical staff, my hospitalizations, my therapist, and just knowing deep, deep down inside that there is more to life than killing myself by not eating.

(7.) Have you ever had a relapse, and if so, what was the reason for the relapse, and what helped you to get back on the road to recovery?

(My Answer) Yes, I've had two. My first relapse was after I miscarried my baby. I wanted to die and be with my baby. My second relapse was when I was in counseling for past wounds deep in my heart. The only way I still knew how to cope with trauma was starving and throwing up. What helped me to get back on the road to recovery was crying out to God and holding on to Him with all the strength I had!

(8.) In your opinion, how does faith in God and prayer affect recovery?

(My Answer) I was dying from anorexia, but God spared my life. I would not be alive today if God had not sent Jesus to die for me to rescue me from my miserable existence in prison chains. God gave me the faith in Him to rescue me from the horrors of anorexia and bulimia. Also, I found out many years after God spared my life, that there were a couple of people at my church that were praying for me when I was dying. They cried out to God to rescue me, and He answered their cry, and radically freed me from starving myself to death!

(9.) God tells us, in the Bible, that He works all things out for good for those who love Him. How has God used your journey from eating disordered behavior to recovery to bring about good?

(My Answer) God tells us in the Bible (2 Corinthians 1:3-7), that we are able to comfort others with the same comfort that we have received. I am humbled and thankful to be given the opportunity and divine privilege to bring a glimmer of hope to those who are struggling as I once was! Just like Jesus would have suffered to help just one person, and it would have been worth it to Him…for the greater purpose, if even just one person can be spared from one more day of the anorexic and bulimic living nightmare, then it was all worth it to me…for the greater purpose!

(10.) What would you like to say to encourage people who are struggling to find peace with their eating?

(My Answer) Along with my strong urging for the completely necessary medical intervention, surrender your life to God, through a personal relationship with Jesus. Ask Jesus to be the Savior and Lord of your life. Ask Him to help you to get on the road to recovery. The road to recovery has many ups and downs, so keep at it! With God’s help, you can do it! YOU are DESTINED to RISE ABOVE anorexia and bulimia...and SOAR into your God-given destiny! I know…because I did!